Plot
Kevin asks Jenny for assistance with his week one issues, but she's still upset that she's he didn't vote her into the league, and won't help. Kevin sits down on the toilet while she's in the bathroom, which he suggests is intimate but which she feels is disgusting.
Kevins gets some advice from the guys as to how to smooth out things with Jenny. Ruxin informs them that every couple months he treats his wife, Sofia, to a "terrific lady day," where he does whatever she wants and doesn't talk about football. Kevin spots Lily, a woman he competes with for cases at his job, and is disturbed when he sees that she's dating Taco.
At home, Kevin, who has a work function to attend, informs Jenny he's turning it into a romantic weekend, where they'll dress up, have dinner, and spend the night in a hotel.
At the bar, the guys trash-talk about week one, until Raffi shows up and takes it way too far, annoying everyone. Raffi finds out Pete and Andre are planning to go to a party, and Pete allows him to come if he'll be their designated driver.
At Kevin's work function, Kevin is once again dismayed to see Taco with his coworker. Jenny, to cheer him up, convinces him to have a quickie in their hotel room before his boss's speech. Afterwards, Kevin feels better, realizing that anyone spending time with Taco is sure to be take a careeer hit. He drinks a glass of water, not realizing that Jenny's earrings, which belonged to her grandmother, were in the glass. Jenny feeds him ipecac and punches him in the stomach in an effort to make him vomit the earrings up, but to no avail.
Pete, Andre, and Ruxin attend a party. Raffi, not understanding what function a designated driver performs, proceeds to get drunk immediately and hit on a girl, Molly, whom Andre is interested in. Pete comes up with a scheme to convince Raffi to leave the party in order to arrange a fantasy trade, which works, although with the added side-effect that he takes Molly and Andres' car with him.
Ruxin, after terrific lady day with Sofia, is preparing for terrific lady night. He notices on his laptop that Raffi is offering him a trade, so he blindfolds Sofia and ties her to their bed, simultaneously trying to engage in foreplay and check out the trade. Pete and Andre arrive, looking for Raffi, and enter Ruxin's bedroom, coercing Ruxin to drop the player Raffi traded him. Fearing Sofia will discover that he was engaging in fantasy football during teriffic lady day, Ruxin drops the player to convince the guys to leave, but not before Sofia has begun rubbing Pete's crotch with her foot: in her blindfolded state, she thinks she's rubbing Ruxin.
As Pete and Andre leave, Raffi shows up, thanking Ruxin for making the trade, revealing to Sofia Ruxin's lack of commitment to teriffic lady day. Pete and Andre retrieve Andre's new Porsche, but can tell by the smell that Raffi has had sex with Molly inside it.
Meanwhile, Kevin attends his boss's speech, where he immediately begins to feel the effects of the ipecac. He vomits at his boss's feet, and Jenny digs her earings out of the mess.
Quotes
Kevin: A terrific lady day?
Ruxin: You do whatever they want. And you look interested. The whole day. "What's that? Heirloom tomatoes are different from regular tomatoes? Amazing!"
Lily: Just so you know, in your inbox, there's a corrected version of your motion for the State v. Kennley.
Taco: Also, check your inbox, I sent you a message... my neighbor's cat is still making that noise.
Andre: The unblinking eye of Sauron has Grima Wormtongue in his sights!
Ruxin: It's amazing how pointless and terrible your analogies are.
Raffi: Prepare yourself! Because I am literally going to sodomize you on the battlefield! I'm going to have non-consensual sex with your face and butt! And then I'm coming for your wife and your kid!
Ruxin: Hey... Raffi...
Raffi: Ha ha ha, I'm just kidding man, just busting balls.
Raffi: Jukebox! I'm gonna put seven dollars worth of Hoobastank in it, then I'm coming back to hang with you bros!
Pete: We have a tradition in the league, it's a rule that we take turns--
Raffi: On the same girl?
Pete: Ah no, we take turns as designated drivers.
Raffi: Like, thirty minutes before we're gonna leave, you give me the heads-up, I'll go to the bathroom, I'll crap the booze out, have a mint, good to go.
Pete: Crap and a mint.
Raffi: Crap the booze out.
Pete: It works?
Raffi: Sorta!
Kevin: I am not a biologist. I am not rummaging through my own feces like a raccoon.
Andre: If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.
Ruxin: Well, somone will finally have sex in that car.
Andre: I went down on a girl in that car.
Pete: That wasn't a girl.
Andre: Yes. Turner's Syndrome. X-X-Y. Don't worry about that.