Pete Eckhart, current champion and three-time winner of an eight-team fantasy football league, is addressing other members of the league via video chat, welcoming them to the league's fifth season. Watching Pete's broadcast are Rodney Ruxin, who tells his infant son he will go "balls deep" on the league this season; Kevin McArthur, who promises to listen to the advice of his wife, Jenny, to avoid another losing season; Taco McArthur, Kevin's brother, who is smoking pot from a unicorn bong; and Andre Nozick, a successful plastic surgeon, who was once tricked into getting a tattoo of Pete's face on his back. Pete's wife, Meegan, interrupts the chat, clearly unhappy with the idea of Pete playing fantasy football.
Pete and Kevin talk on the phone while Kevin sits on the toilet. Pete doesn't appreciate Kevin talking to him while using the bathroom, and Kevin informs him most of their important conversations have taken place while Kevin was sitting on the toilet. Kevin tells Pete he and Jenny are trying to have another child, which Pete objects to, feeling it will put pressure on him to have a child with Meegan.
Later, Pete asks Meegan if she has seen his lucky draft shirt, but she claims she hasn't. Pete and Meegan have sex, during which Meegan inserts a finger into Pete's butt. Pete seems greatly disturbed by this, though it does not cause him to cease his lovemaking.
On Sunday, everyone gathers at Kevin and Jenny's house for the fifth birthday of their daughter, Ellie. Pete arrives with a large wrapped gift that turns out to be the league's trophy, dubbed The Shiva. Taco doesn't seem to recognize the trophy despite having won it in a previous season and lived with it for a full year. Kevin reveals his plan for determining the draft order: everyone will pick a number out of a bowl, with each number corresponding to a child participating in the sack race at the party. The league members cheer on the children wearing their numbers; the child with Ruxin's number wins.
After the race, Kevin reveals one of the kids at the party is "The Oracle", a fantasy footbal genius. Kevin wants to pick his brain, but Jenny convinces him he doesn't need the additional help. Instead, Ruxin corners The Oracle while Kevin frets about it. Taco sings Ellie a birthday song he wrote for her, though due to the adult nature of the lyrics, describing how Ellie was conceived in graphic detail, he is not allowed to finish. Jenny reveals to Meegan that she and Kevin are trying to conceive another child, a fact that Pete has been trying to keep hidden from his wife. Pete, feeling defensive after the quality of his sperm is called into question, reveals to all that Meegan stuck a finger in his ass during sex, causing Meegan to storm off angrily.
On another day, Kevin, a lawyer for the district attorney's office, meets with Ruxin, a defense lawyer, and Ruxin's client, who has been accused of robbing several liquor stores. Kevin and Ruxin agree to a plea, in which Kevin will knock the sentence down from ten years to five in exchange for Ruxin's number one draft pick. Ruxin reluctantly agrees.
Later, Ruxin visits The Oracle's house to confer with him on a draft strategy, but The Oracle's father won't let him meet with his underage son. Kevin visits Pete's house to return The Shiva, and Pete reveals he is thinking about quitting the league. Kevin leaves the trophy in the street to convince Pete to continue playing in the league, telling him he should cave on his other responsibilities, but not cave on the league.
Everyone gathers at Andre's swanky apartment for the league draft, where he has hired cocktail waitresses to serve drinks. He attempts to give an eloquent toast but the others keep interrupting him by sipping their beers before he had finished his toast. Andre also has the first joint he ever smoked framed and hanging on the wall, but he is informed the joint didn't contain marijuana but instead, Kevin's pubic hair.
Meanwhile, Pete, instead of attending the draft, is reluctantly preparing to accompany Meegan to a charity benefit for dogs with Down Syndrome. Pete meets their cleaning woman, who is dropping off their dry cleaning, and notices she is wearing his lucky draft shirt, which reads "I Shaved My Balls For This?" and was given to her by Meegan.
Pete eventually shows up at Andre's with The Shiva, having bought his shirt back from his cleaning lady. Ruxin brings The Oracle to the party to help him with the draft. Taco has sex with a cocktail waitress in Andre's bathroom. Pete reveals that his marriage to Meegan is over. The Oracle's father shows up to collect him, upset to find his child in a bedroom with Ruxin where they are tussling over Ruxin's jersey. Taco tries smoking his own pubic hair but finds it ineffective, and asks Kevin for some of his. And another draft is complete.
Pete: God bless fantasy football. There are many things a man can do with his time. This... is better than those things.
Taco: Hey, guess what I did yesterday!
Kevin: You got stoned and watched a movie.
Taco: Yeah, Total Recall. Twice.
(during the children's sack race)
Jenny: Did you just turn this into a league event?
Kevin: You bet your ass I did.
Jenny: It's really good. We're not rooting for Ellie?
Kevin: No, no, number seven.
Jenny (screaming): Come on, seven!
(discussing Andre's framed joint)
Andre: Are you serious, this is your ball hair?
Ruxin: It's not his ball hair. It was his lower shaft hair.
Kevin: Yup. Right by the root. Cheers!
(From Taco's Birthday song)
And when they got home, they were horny as hell,
And your dad threw your mom down on the bed,
And he tore her panties off, and his wee-wee was hard as a rock.
And at this point, your mom wanted to give your dad head,
But your dad also wanted to give your mom head,
So they formed a 69, and your mom came at least 3 times.