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The Usual Bet

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1x05 TheUsualBet


It's the league playoffs. Pete lies in bed with The Shiva, the league's trophy, detailing the week ahead via video chat: Taco's season is over, Andre will square off against Ruxin, and Pete and Kevin will go head-to-head, though Pete feels Jenny really runs Kevin's team. It is revealed that The Shiva trophy is named after Shiva, their high school valedictorian, and her picture adorns the trophy. As the video chat ends, Pete begins to simulate having sex with the trophy.

Pete attends a mediation for his divorce but fails to impress the mediator because he's completely disorganized and uses his phone to get fantasy-football news.

At a bar, Pete and Kevin engage in "the usual bet" over their matchup. Andre arrives, and Pete and Kevin suspect that he has a girlfriend due to his recent behavior. Ruxin needs to go to Chinatown to buy a figurine for his wife, who is angry at him for ogling another woman in a restaurant, and Taco offers to join him because he needs to shop for "three-penis wine", a Chinese concoction made of the penis of a deer, a snake, and a dog, which he hopes will break him out of his nearly two-week-long slump of not having sex. Meanwhile, he tries to order this at the bar but of course it isn't available.

Feeling defensive about everyone assuming Jenny runs his league, Kevin fights with her about which quarterback to start against Pete: Kevin wants to start Kurt Warner, Jenny wants him to stick with Peyton Manning. They squabble over this at a party, where Pete runs into Bryce, the mediator, accidentally offending him by laughing at Bryce's hobby of making soup out of ingredients he finds in public spaces around the city.

In Chinatown, when Ruxin and Taco stop for lunch, they quietly mock an apparently mentally-challenged man at a nearby table; they then become jealous of him when he's served before they are.  Ruxin visits the restroom, washing his hands in what he thinks is the sink but what is actually a urinal. The mentally-challenged patron arrives in time to laugh at him. Back at the table, Taco has had some three-penis wine and is feeling aroused to the point of complimenting Ruxin on his looks and "dirty secretary glasses". The mentally-challenged man makes fun of Ruxin in front of the entire restaurant, and Taco and Ruxin leave, with Taco taking a moment to hit on the mentally-challenged man.

At the party, a game of Charades begins, so Pete and Kevin attempt to leave. Bryce intercepts Pete, and Jenny won't let Kevin leave until he listens to her lineup advice. During the game, Kevin agrees to follow Jenny's advice to play Manning if it means they can leave the party, and Pete blurts out "Gay!" when Bryce is points at himself while giving a clue. Deeply offended, Bryce  tersely assures Pete that he'll have his decision made by the end of the week.

At a bar, eager to see how their fantasy teams are doing, Kevin tries to get the bartender to switch from the Bears game to the Eagles/49ers game. The bartender refuses, so Pete swipes the remote and changes the channel, drawing angry protests from the bar patrons. As one man advances on Kevin, Jenny takes the figurine Ruxin bought for his wife and smashes it against the bar, holding the sharp, broken end at the bar patron in a threatening manner.

After fleeing the bar, they learn that Pete has beaten Kevin, and that Ruxin has lost to Andre. Since it was Jenny's insistence on playing Manning that cost Kevin the playoffs, it is determined that she must pay the price of the "usual bet," in which the loser must walk naked for two minutes in an alleyway. She agrees, strips down to her panties, and walks down the alley topless.

At home, Andre sees online that he has won the playoffs and is going to the Shiva Bowl. It is revealed that his new girlfriend is the actual Shivakamini Somakandakram they all knew from high school and whose picture is on the Shiva trophy.

At Taco's place, Taco is trying to masturbate to online porn, but his dial-up connection is so slow that he can't finish downloading a single pornographic image.


Ruxin: So I need to go down to Chinatown to buy them. I do not like that place. It smells like hot garbage.

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