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Vegas Draft

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Vegas!!!

PlotEdit

At the bar, Pete and Kevin are playing a game involving word clues and snapping fingers, and Ruxin is frustrated that he can't figure out how it works, especially since even Taco has discovered the trick.

Andre arrives to discuss his plans for the draft of the upcoming season, but Pete interrupts to suggest they hold the draft in Vegas. Andre is disappointed, as it was the same idea he was about to suggest.

As Kevin prepares for the trip, Jenny wants to join the league to put her knowledge to use, since Kevin, even with her help, has never won.

At the airport, Kevin reveals his plan for determining the draft order: the first one to make it through the security checkpoint gets first pick. The guys race through the line, but Ruxin is held up because he's carrying a fake bomb Kevin gave him disguised as a birthday present, and Andre is delayed by a security guard who criticizes his clothing. Pete eventually wins, and is jubilant even as he is dragged off by airport security.

Arriving in Vegas, the guys are geuninely impressed with the suite Andre has booked for them, and are thrilled to find that their master of ceremonies is none other than Chad Ochocinco, who is working with Andre on a line of calf implants. Andre, after being admonished by Chad for using "Child, please!" incorrectly, tries to come up with his own catchphrase, and everyone chips in to help.

Later, the guys are horrified to discover Andre has modified The Shiva, the league's trophy, to feature a small statue of Andre striking a pose on top, complete with an awful hat, and is now calling it "The Dre."

While visiting a strip club, the guys encounter a dancer, Ambrosia, who is well versed in fantasy football. They begin bidding on her services, with Ruxin eventually paying for Kevin to visit the champagne room with her, to deny Pete any further advantage on draft day. Kevin pumps her for draft help, completely uninterested in receiving a lapdance.

Andre has reserved a private cabana by the pool for their draft. The draft hits an immediate snag, however, as Vince, one of the out-of-town players, has dropped out, and Ruxin has failed to tell anyone. Ruxin does have a replacement player ready: his brother-in-law Raffi, though the others seem reluctant to admit him to the league. Complicating matters more, Jenny shows up, having heard that Vince was out, so the guys must vote on who to let into the league.

After some discussion, Raffi is chosen, and Jenny, angry, decides to have her revenge by helping Ruxin with his draft. The draft proceeds, during which the guys again torture Ruxin with the word game in the pool, and Ruxin and Jenny moan over the incredible roster they've assembled.

In a night club, Ruxin continues to salivate over his lineup, even starting to fondle himself in his excitement. They meet up with Chad Ochocinco and Jenny in a private area of the club: Andre, holding The Dre trophy, begins dancing with Ambrosia and shouting about how he is a champion, and demonstrates his new catchphrase: "You're all gonna get Andr-raped!" Raffi begins dancing with him, insisting he and Andre "kiss and bump stuff" in an effort to arouse nearby women. Andre, struggling with the gyrating Raffi, falls off the dance floor and onto the trophy, with the arm of the Andre figurine snapping off and getting lodged inside him. "I'm inside me!" he shrieks, and Taco, who has been recording sounds for his ringtone business, quickly transforms Andre's screams into an audio sample for a rap song, which he performs with Chad even as Andre continues to writhe in pain.

Ruxin has retreated to the suite, where he once again admires his roster, then strips off his pants and begins masturbating to it. He is caught by the guys walking in, and tried to suggest that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Later, at a blackjack table, the guys play the word game. Ruxin brings over a pit boss, who, thinking they're counting cards, demands to know the rules of the game. Rather than reveal their secret to Ruxin, they all decide to be escorted to casino jail.

QuotesEdit

Pete: You can body-cavity search me all you want, all you're gonna find is Tennessee running back Chris Johnson!

Ruxin: I hate this game.
Pete: Don't hate the game, hate the player, buddy!
Ruxin: I am the player.
Pete: I know!

Ruxin: Oh, and by the way, the term "What happens in Vegas", it should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go girl" and "Show me the money."
Andre: Come on, homie don't play that.
Kevin: Really?
Andre: Come on, let's just go check out the suite. It's so money.

Chad Ochocinco: I think you need to come up with something more Andre-ish.
Andre: Try the veal! Child.
Pete: What was that one?
Andre: Try the veal, child.
Pete: Try the veal?
Ruxin: "I use J-Date!"
Andre: I don't... I'm not even Jewish.
Kevin: "I cry myself to sleep!"
Ruxin: "I'm an adult virgin!"
Andre: Not... not even true.

Taco: Why are you dressed like a ballerina?
Andre: I'm not dressed like a ballerina. I'm dressed like a weight-lifter.
Kevin: Why are you dressed like a weight-lifter?

Ruxin: Oh, that's right, I spoke to Vince, he's not going to make it to Vegas and he's actually out of the league.
Kevin: What? Now you tell us?
Ruxin: I just found out like a month ago!

Jenny: Did you want me in the league?
Kevin: ...I love you?

Raffi: You know my friend Mike?
Chad: Mike?
Raffi: Mike Ochocinco? Same last name, maybe you guys are related.
Chad: Nah.
Raffi: No? It's not so often you meet a guy with the exact same Spanish numerals as a last name.

Kevin: Could you stop rosterbating, please?
Pete: You can't just masturbate to your lineup in public.
Ruxin: Kevin, you're just jealous because you took a big shit in the pool and put it up on the board.
Raffi: Are you allowed to take a shit in the pool?

Ruxin: I stuck a little Eli Manning in there, that Goddamn mouth-breathing dummy!

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